MS III to Mom-MD: One Woman's Decisions

Carina Baird, University of California San Francisco School of Medicine

Growing up, I always had the understanding that I could do whatever I put my mind to. I had the benefit of two wonderful parents who encouraged me to be successful; my mother reassured me I could have a career as well as be a "Mom" myself someday. She herself worked as a nurse, and always supported me when I spoke of wanting to be a doctor. My life-long answer to the classic question, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" was, without a doubt, "A doctor." Though most children spoke of the same dream at some point in their lives, I felt a strong calling to follow through.

Yet I also felt a deep desire to have a family. I began buying small items for my future children-bibs, booties-while I myself was still a child. I even put fliers in neighborhood mailboxes claiming "good baby-sitter available" at the young age of ten. I had no younger siblings but asked my parents in earnest each year if somehow, someway, they could give me one for Christmas. I decided early on I wanted at least three kids of my own, and hoped that after college I would get married and start having children fairly soon thereafter.

Naturally, these two strong wishes conflicted in my young mind. Would it all be possible? Could I really do both? My concerns were stirred up each time I heard warnings from adults regarding my career ambition. "That's quite a long road-what about just settling down and raising a family?" A male friend of mine, himself a medical student, once said "If I were a woman, I would just be a stay-at-home mom. Why do you want to go to all the work of becoming a physician when you can be at home with the kids?"

Not having anyone else in my family who was a physician-male or female-I clung to the words of any woman doctor I met, and inquired extensively about their own life-work balance. I ultimately realized that while the reality of being a doctor as well as a Mom would be challenging, I felt extremely motivated to pursue both. Being successful in school, I gained confidence and motivation to seek a successful future. I pushed out of my mind any negativity I received from others, and while being aware of the "long road" ahead, I adopted the philosophy that I would "cross that bridge when I come to it."

Now, the bridge awaits my crossing. As a third-year medical student I have stuck to my dream of pursuing medicine and have been thus far fulfilled in doing so. I have also met and married a wonderful man, my college sweetheart, who has fully supported me in my endeavors. Yet I am at the all-important decision point in my life of deciding on a specialty-and my certainty of becoming a physician has not translated to a similar assuredness of which type of physician to become. My certainty of wanting children has not translated to a similar assuredness of when to begin a family. And each decision, while influenced separately by independent factors, is inextricably linked.

The women physicians I now look to for guidance are only a few years removed from my current situation. I am often struck by the difficult reality of the "balance" they strive to achieve-very few feel they are the physician, mother, wife, daughter, or friend they would like to be simultaneously. While there are men who often feel similar tensions, I have found that my male colleagues generally concern themselves far less over their current or future roles. Their decision regarding specialties may be influenced by their goals for family, but they do not wonder about infertility, pregnancy, delivery, breast-feeding, or pumping. They are sometimes judged less harshly by society, which is traditionally more critical of the way a woman handles both a career and motherhood than with how a man manages his respective positions. Men more freely embark upon careers that will require nine-plus years of post-graduate training, without worry over the same cautionary tales from accomplished women physicians that have given me pause: "If you want to have children, don't wait too long."

At times, the doubts and negativity I so adamantly pushed aside years ago creep back to the surface. Can I really do both? Though I still know it is possible, I am more reasonable about the complexities encountered and the sacrifices often required. While I am certain I have the capability to assume numerous roles, I must decide if I will be happy pursuing them, and to what extent. While I clearly respect the decisions made by each individual in my position, I must be honest in determining my own individual position. A combination of realism and idealism pervades my vision of the future, and I must attempt to balance each delicately as I move forward. No matter my ultimate path, I will rely on honest introspection, personal passion, and the wisdom of women-physicians, moms, and physician-moms-to determine its course. It is a journey that deserves no less.