Mar 2004
No. 10
Light in Life
by Rohini Kaanniganti, MD
East Tennessee State University, Deptartment of Family Medicine
Filled with extravagant love I went to work, grateful once again for the learning there. BW, a 53 year old woman, was scheduled for a 10:30am slot in my clinic but she didn't show up. I attend to the patients already there. Then her chart arrives with a note stating she is in the ICU, critically ill. I had seen her just 2 weeks prior with a preceptor, pursuing doppler studies of her carotids and vertebrals due to a complaint of dizziness and visual dimming with head movement. My first ten thoughts were filled with anxiety "what did I miss?". Did not know much about her: diabetes, hypertension, chronic pain, sweet natured. I found the attending on hospital service and asked for more details... ischemic bowel, sepsis, hypotension, GI bleed, respiratory failure, DIC, multiple specialty consults on the case, dismal prognosis. After clinic I ran up to ICU, second floor. She was hooked up to the ventilator, body appeared swollen, she had surrendered to the machines. A man I had presumed to be her husband and a man who looked like her were in the room. They see a small brown woman without a coat or stripes reach her hand out to introduce herself. They let me stand by her left hand so that her gaze can find me. I slip my thin cool hand into her warm swollen one. With the other I stroke her hair. I feel her skin soften with love. She is alert, a good sign. She looks at me. I see fear. I let go of my thoughts and I go for it, thanks to the light from an extraordinary weekend. I start telling her slowly and softly that I love her, how this is an exercise in waiting, how everything she needs to heal (however she sees fit to heal) is within her...she stays fully connected... its too wonderful for words...I continue, telling her to let her breath bathe her body with light, pink healing light, and to breathe out blue light carrying the wastes and all the things she no longer needs. I feel her taking a breath over the vent. Her husband tells her he loves her...suddenly we're all thanking each other (she mouthing the words, we understanding fully) for being angels and how much love we feel. The next day when I see her, her oxygen requirement has decreased from 70% to 50%. I go on with my crazy talk, feeling like this is what it means to be a real doctor and that my part time status has given me the time finally to spend with my patients in this way. More visualizations, more reminders to her that her body is her best friend, that it got her to the place of rest and help. The next day, the oxygen is down to 30%, and she is off all her pressors. I feel pressed by intuition to tell her all my insights about her...how loving, kind she is, how she speaks for those beings that can't speak for themselves, how much family means to her, and how deeply hurt she has been about the conflicts and how she has now brought them all together through love. I step out, and her brother mike comes after me. "do you know about her sister"... nervously I say no. "they haven't talked for 5 years... she came to see her here yesterday". he's in tears. "I thought you knew, the way you were talking". he is hugging me. I become a believer. A silent thank you for whatever small voice inside is chaneling through me. I saw her again today after a few days of having been away. She has had a tracheostomy as she has not made any progress in that time. She is heavily sedated, but still smiles beautifully and mouths I love you. I don't know if her path of healing leads her to death, a long hospital stay, or rapid health. These are her mysteries. She is getting outstanding medical help from the team. She seems to be recovering. My deepest feeling is that she wants to. That my role is to surrender and humbly connect her through me to all that is light in life.
thanks to you all again for letting me come alive for this woman. even if it was just this once. even if i forget myself again on this very slow journey.